I couldn't sleep last night. Usually I find that the perfect time to get up an blog, but my mind was racing too much for me to write down a coherent thought. Today I'm going in for my 38 week OBGYN appointment. Everything has looked great thus far, my blood pressure has been lingering around 100/60, I've gained the bare minimum for weight (which considering I started out overweight I'm pleased by that), no swelling thus far, I feel great (although I'm tired easily these days:)
I should be looking forward to labor and delivery at this point, making those final countdown preparations like packing a hospital bag and preparing for the nursery. We're making these preparations, but ever so slowly. I usually go two weeks late so I'm really not in the hospital mode yet. I'm one of those women who enjoy labor and delivery. I delight in my body's strength and ability to bring children into the world. I gain a sense of renewed confidence for every son and daughter I have brought into this world. I enjoy working with my husband and my body to labor peacefully.
This time is a little different though. Yes, my baby boy is completely healthy. My body has adjusted well to this pregnancy. But, there, ever present in the back of my mind is the loss of my other two babies from miscarriage in these past two years. I'm more fearful at the end of this pregnancy, because of those losses. I just don't know, and I can't rest secure that I will be fine in this labor and delivery. The last two children that passed through me were dead. Am I alone in these feelings? How does a Mom work through them and have a positive experience? I honor my children, both born and unable to be born, but how do I work through these fears in time to welcome my son?
Please pray for me as I wrestle with these memories in my mind. Pray that I find peace and a renewed sense of what is to come.