I didn't go to my 5K race. My son had his soccer pictures at the same time as the start of the race, and his first game immediately following that. My group went and did really well, one of the ladies I run with, the head of our group, came in first in her age category. I was disappointed to be missing the race that I had looked forward to, but I knew I was in the right place. My son needed me there to cheer him on, to support him. I don't regret my decision. It was just a difficult decision to have to make.
Two different situations happened this last week that made me realize I had to keep going, that I had to stay motivated to lose the weight. A couple of my friends and I went out for a run on Monday night. Nothing too complicated just some speed drills along the track for 30 minutes. I had a hard time of it though, and when we finished up for the night, one of the two runners looked at me and told me that I was not ready, nor would I be able to get ready for the 10K I was moving towards in October (20). While I couldn't be upset with him for speaking his mind, and I couldn't doubt his friendship with that kind of brutal honesty, it was still a slap in the face. Not that he said it, but that he felt compelled to do so after we had been running. It stung, and continues to smart a little bit. I've worked harder this week to redeem myself than I have yet in this last year of attempting to lose weight. And I've decided not to do anymore group runs until I feel I can adequately aid my fellow runners and not slow them down.
We had our insurance salesman from the Knights of Columbus out to the house. My husband recently joined and he was helping us review our options. He told me that my rates would be lower based upon my health. When he asked for my weight and height, I could not even make it into the "average" category. I was still 20 lbs above the highest weight. And that was blow #2. He couldn't change the chart, and it was obvious he wasn't trying to hurt me. Just two different jolts of reality at two different points in my life to spur me on to get healthy.
What a nasty cycle its been. This journey towards health has had me chasing my own tail! I finally figured it out...I would gain weight. Then I would beat myself up for being overweight and unhealthy. Then I would beat myself up to lose the weight. Then I would lose the weight and reward myself by letting myself get out of the routine of healthy eating and exercise habits. And the nasty cycle would start all over again. Enough! Time to break that cycle! Time to lose that routine! As part of my healing with food, I need to look at my innermost needs and desires and to figure out what food has been helping to hide in me. What has food helped me to satisfy, though not completely? This is the question that I'm going to ponder as I continue along my journey. The negatives to my eating habits must be replaced by the positives that have come upon me, through revelation and discernment. I must make each pound a choice, a postive habit or thought must replace each pound that I have lost. I think that's why weight loss is so hard. Because it is so complex and intimate. 98% of weight loss is mental. Because we're all afraid of letting go. Of recognizing the enormity of change. But I must change. For the hurt I felt over being lovingly rejected by one of my peers is nothing compared to the hurt that will soon face me when I'm told I won't be able to have anymore children. The anguish I feel in not qualifying for life insurance will be nothing compared to the feeling I have when insurance will no longer my obesity related illnesses (thanks be to God I don't have them...Yet...) I must look for ways to replace the hurt, to heal those internal wounds that have affected me deeply. To make my weight something other than a handicap. To let my innner self image be more truly reflected in my outer appearance. It's not enough that I can hide from the world through this plus sized clothing. That I can put off other people's opinions simply because "they don't understand". I don't want to hide anymore, because in all this time, I've only been hiding from me. So please, my dear readers, bear with me as I hijack some of my blog space to really work through this area in my life right now. I will travel through some deep hurts, some self projections, some hidden deep dark secret caverns of the heart. Pray with me, walk with me, and help me to see that I'm better than what I've allowed myself to become, that I can heal and be whole. That I can find that inner child and coax her back into the light. I can regain what dignity I know I deserve that I inherited from a loving Creator. That I can reclaim my role as child of God, and live in the fullness He wants for me.
...And so the journey continues...
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